It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
