so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
That accounts for only three of the penises
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
