my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
