she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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