I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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