Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
