Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
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