i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
