Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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