quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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