I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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