her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
