i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
