proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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