Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
