I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
