i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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