Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
