is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
