omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
