I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
