There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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