well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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