she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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