woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I checked into jail on foursquare
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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