My hand turned me down
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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