fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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