saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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