New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
