I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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