I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
