i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
