could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
