dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
