insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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