Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
