Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
