covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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