why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
