How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
