He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
