I hope mine doesn't look like that
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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