Even the bartender felt bad for me
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
