Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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