Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
