The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
