Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Randomize
