two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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