Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
