I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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