i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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