Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Randomize
