dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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