I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
