just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
