I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
