Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
