So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
